‘Incel’ is a demeaning masculine term which implies that girls are only interested in the best-looking guys, hence all other guys are forced into involuntary celibacy. It’s twisted, toxic masculinity of course, which leads to intense resentment towards girls who are accused of being shallow and manipulative. 

In my opinion, it is a pretty silly misconception because if there are 95% of guys who are involuntarily celibate, there must equally be 95% of girls who are incels too, since conversely, guys will only want to go out with the best-looking girls. That would imply that only the top 5% of girls and guys are getting it on, which is ridiculous. 

‘There are 9 billion of us. If it were only the top 5% having sex, we’d be nearing extinction by now.’

The whole incel thing sounds pretty juvenile to me. I mean you could just ask girls if they are only interested in the most attractive guys, and if you don’t know many girls you could just Google it and you’d find that girls rate the same traits over and over as most desirable: sense of humour, honesty, dependability, respect, and intelligence. Incredible good looks and a large penis don’t seem to feature in these lists, but that’s not to say they wouldn’t be a welcome addition to someone who has the right essentials. (I didn’t have either and I did ok.) This obvious route to the truth is clumsily sidestepped by young boys who just claim girls are lying when they say personality is more important than looks. Deep sigh. 

I think the girls on Love Island are stunningly beautiful, but I genuinely wouldn’t swap my wife for any of them. Beauty isn’t just physical looks, it’s also personality, values, and the depth of connection. Thankfully, my wife has all these qualities, which is why I love her.

But there’s another fact of attraction that the incel warriors overlook, and that is that research shows that people are more likely to be attracted to people who look like themselves or their opposite-sex parent. It seems as though opposites do not always attract, which all means that people aren’t only attracted to the hottest people, unless you are hot yourself. 

This is an important point – beauty isn’t a binary question; people aren’t either drawn to the most attractive people or not. The truth is that we are attracted to different types of people at the same time. Yes, we might very well recognise someone as being very attractive, but also find another person attractive in a different way. I think Megan Fox is super hot, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking my wife is beautiful. 

This is another thing with these ‘incel’ guys. It isn’t that they can’t get a girlfriend, it’s that they want to go out with the ‘10/10’ idealised girls they see on social media. Anything less is not good enough. Ironically then, they are making themselves ‘incels’. They are voluntary celibates, or ‘volcels’ because they are cutting themselves off from so many potential connections. 

Wasting your time fancying people who aren’t interested in you is a mug’s game anyway. It’s always disappointing when you like someone who doesn’t like you back, but that’s life, get over it. It’s a sign of immaturity that you only fancy the most beautiful women. It shows that you lack the depth and sophistication to see the person behind the face, to understand that looks are transient and fleeting.

Which all leads me to another key point, that personality is a massive draw in the dating game. Our sense of humour, behaviour and confidence levels are huge factors. When I was younger, my mate Steve had a bit of a problem with acne and he was short too, not exactly endearing qualities when finding girls. And yet, he always, always got fixed up on our nights out because he was incredibly confident, charming, funny and articulate. I, on the other hand, was moody and negative and didn’t get girls often. What I didn’t understand was that girls were on a night out and they wanted fun and excitement, not a mopey teenager who was telling her the world was going to hell in a handcart. Looks didn’t come into it. Me being a miserable bugger did.

Is all of this saying that looks don’t matter in the dating game? No, of course not. Looks are an integral aspect of finding a partner. They matter. But it’s wrong to think that they only matter. We like people we connect with and who we share things in common with. Personality is crucial. I wouldn’t want to be with a stunningly beautiful person who had the personality of a wet fish and nor would anyone else in their right mind. I can confidently advise young people that if you work on your personality: if you do things your passionate about, if you develop your sense of humour and do interesting things, people will find you interesting. And if people find you interesting, they’ll want to spend time with you. Then so long as you smell good, wear clean clothes and look after yourself, there’s as good chance she’ll be attracted to you. And if she isn’t? Don’t worry, there’s another 95% of girls, and the chances are, one of them will look like you. 

Sources:

Here’s What Women Want in a Man, According to Experts, Brides

Are We Attracted to People Who Look Like Us? Psychology Today

The psychology of attraction: Why do we fancy certain people? BBC