The only grudge I’m holding is one with myself. Lots of days I don’t like me. Due to my sleep conditions, I wake up like a bear with a sore head and need a cool shower and a sit in the garden to rejuvenate myself. Like many other people, I’ve found self-confidence hard to find. I lack belief in what I do so don’t speak up or continue to persevere when I need to. I’ll give up on creative projects because they don’t get a good reaction or haven’t got an audience. Like music for example. I gave up because I was playing to empty bars and no one was buying my stuff. Producers, managers and agents weren’t interested. I wasn’t exciting enough. I wasn’t this I wasn’t that. In the end you have to call it a day. There have been other creative projects too like my second novel, that fall by the wayside half way through because my only audience is myself and I know the ending. 

I find it difficult to calm my OCD ADHD mind and often I find I am wrapped up in negative obsessions about an issue in the news, an event that has happened (often years in the past), or something someone has said to me. Anxious thoughts, rumination’s and compulsions, cycle around in my head like they are trapped in a tumble dryer on repeat. None of them are real. None of them can do me any physical harm, yet my brain seems to think they can. 

The best tool I have is distraction. I come off social media, don’t read the news, do some art, singing or writing. I may have a few grudges against these practices, but they are the best therapy I have to an anxious mind.

Thank you for reading me.