What horrible narcissism is this? I couldn’t think of anything worse than having something named after me. But if I had to, maybe:

A special spoon that stops bean juice from spilling down the front of your shirt while eating.

A remote control for the TV that you can operate in the dark without having to squint and tilt it towards the light.

Toilet paper that moisturises your bottom while it wipes and isn’t harmful to the environment

A resuscitation chamber for stranded bees

A teleportation device to transport me out of noisy environments

An anti-moaning headset to be worn permanently over the head. If the wearer begins to moan, it sets a loud siren off in the brain which no one else can hear.

A smelly sock shoe detector. Special shoes that alert the wearer to malodorous fumes emanating from your sock.

Anti-farting pants. Transparent plastic knickers that should be worn over the trouser. They capture the foul methane and utilise it to propel a winter nose warmer.