I can’t think why I would ever want to watch a TV programme 5 times, but I know a fair few I’ve been made to watch.

Growing up, when there were only three channels in the UK, and our Mam would make us watch Columbo over and over again. Or Chief Ironsides, or Petrochelli or Miss Marple, or Sherlock Holmes, or the silly one with the thin moustache and the highly improbable accent. Any, and every detective show was played on repeat, like I was in some torture chamber with a bag on my head, being forced to listen to some inane, catatonic warbling. It was horrific. I can’t bear to watch detective shows to this day. I had a mate who was a detective, and she told me that real police don’t behave anything like that.

Apart from anything, detectives don’t ‘deduce’ the facts of the case, they use ‘inductive’ reasoning. Which is to say, they use evidence and observation to reach a possible truth of the conclusion. Deductive reasoning uses statements, or premises, that are certain by definition.

So, sorry Mr Holmes, you don’t even know your basic logic. I rest my case. The whole lot of you are charlatans. Book him Danno.

A typical British detective