I’d compare myself to a penguin. Particularly a Gentoo penguin. They are the ones that woo their potential partner with a pebble. If she accepts, they mate for life. Any infidelity is punished by being banished from the colony. Sounds acceptable to me.

I have a lot of physical similarities to a penguin. I’m fat and I can barely walk these days, so I do waddle a bit. Only problem is I can’t swim, but I’ll just give the boss penguin a note from my Mum saying I’ve got verrucas. The other snag is that I hate the cold, but maybe being a penguin would be an advantage, because they don’t feel it do they? And, fish every day? Hmmmn, might have to rethink that too and order a Deliveroo pizza. It’s safe to say that the other penguins would think I was a bit weird, but at least I’d have the missus to come home to every day, who would listen to all my moaning on about the lack of good sea ice these days and how cold it is all the time.